


Can You See Inside?

by ExhaustedCommonSense



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Can be read as friendship, Detox, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Pacific Rim Uprising, Post-Canon, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:08:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExhaustedCommonSense/pseuds/ExhaustedCommonSense
Summary: There's a monster in his best friends body.





	Can You See Inside?

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Jet Black Heart by 5 Seconds Of Summer
> 
> Playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/j6anp4ulggac3gy1szhybovlk/playlist/0IgvSln0Gbc8wH5fzjuJei)

“I’m sorry, Dr Gottlieb,” former Ranger Pentecost lead him to the monitor. “If he’s been like this for ten years, I don’t think there will be anyone left to save.”

Hermann felt his heart clench at the sight of his wayward lab partner: Newton was tied to a chair in the empty room, there was blood on his cheek and lip, but he seemed otherwise unharmed. The most disturbing part was the look on his face; he was staring straight at the camera with a sinister smile that the real Newt would never have displayed.

“I want to try get through to him,” Hermann declared, shoving his discomfort down and refusing to let his own doubt show on his face. “I left him for ten years. I owe it to him to try.”

Pentecost sighed but nodded. “I don’t have to tell you what will happen if you attempt to help him.”

“I’m aware,” Hermann confirmed stiffly. He’d had to go through every test they could think of to clear him of any Kaiju influence. Despite the fact he’d Drifted with a Kaiju brain only once and ten years ago, Pentecost and Shao had wanted to be sure he wasn’t about to join Newton on his insane plan to destroy the world.

Pentecost let him into the room and placed a second chair in front of Newton for him, reminding him that they would be watching if there were any problems. Newton stayed uncharacteristically silent throughout, watching him as he sat down and leant his cane against the back of the chair.

“Hermann,” Newton smiled. “So nice of you to finally visit us.”

“I’m here to visit Newt,” he corrected mildly, watching for a reaction.

“But I’m so much more interesting,” his smile only got bigger as he relaxed back into his bonds. “All he does is scream and cry. Quite boring really.”

Hermann managed to keep his face blank by pure force of will. Now that he’d been discovered, the thing in Newton’s head didn’t seem to be making any attempt to keep up the pretence of being human. Nevertheless, Hermann was on edge and ready for any attempt to trick him into believing Newt had taken back control.

“Did you meet Alice?” Newton giggled, interrupting his thoughts.

“I did,” Hermann confirmed, unable to stop the look of distaste that twisted his mouth before he smoothed it back out.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Newton crooned, leaning forward and straining his bonds. “All those invitations for you to meet her,” he sighed. “He was so hoping you’d accept and reveal everything. Of course, we would never have let that happen. He would have screamed so prettily when we killed you.”

“And yet you didn’t kill me when you had the chance,” Hermann smirked at the look of badly concealed rage. “Seems to me like your control isn’t as absolute as you’d like to think.”

“We have complete control,” he snarled, the inhuman expression twisting his features. “He is weak. He let us in.” His voice echoed unnaturally.

“You’re lying,” Hermann sat back, faking a calm he didn’t feel. “If Newt wasn’t still fighting, you wouldn’t have needed to constantly Drift with that brain.” He stood up and collected his cane. “I’ve been given permission to tell you that we destroyed Alice. I suppose we’ll see who’s right.”

Screams of rage followed him as he left the room, but he didn’t allow himself to look back.

He nodded at General Pentecost but didn’t stop to talk to him. Instead, he went straight to his room and threw up in the toilet. It was hard seeing his friend like that, and even harder knowing that he could have stopped it. He could have helped, but he let his feelings get in the way.

When Newton had announced that he was leaving the PPDC, he’d felt betrayed and abandoned. The feelings only got worse when every attempt to contact him were either ignored and dismissed, until he stopped trying. He should have known that Newt would never have done that to him; he should have noticed something was wrong sooner.

Hermann went back the next day. Pentecost had taken over the running of the Dome while they prepared to stage an attack on the Anteverse. He agreed that any information Newt could give them would help, and so had allowed Hermann unlimited access to his cell.

“Hermann,” Newton purred when he entered the room. “Sleep well? Still having those nightmares?”

Hermann remained silent, sitting down and watching him. Newton bared his teeth angrily and clenched his fists, pulling at his bonds. The skin around his bonds was red and raw from his movements and a part of Hermann ached to see it, but he knew there was no way of helping, he had to just hope that the real Newton couldn’t feel the pain his body was enduring.

“He never had nightmares,” Newton laughed. “He was so confused when he woke up in strange places. He thought he was sleep walking, the idiot never realised he wasn’t sleeping.” Newton leant forward as if he was sharing a secret. “You should have heard him cry when he woke up with blood on his hands.”

Hermann swallowed, feeling sick at the thought of what Newton had gone through. He could picture it easily, but he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t come to him for help.

“You’re lying,” he accused shakily. “He would have told me.”

 Newton shrugged. “He tried after that, but he was so tired. We hadn’t let him sleep in so long, you see, it was easy to reach out and push him down. He hardly fought at all.”

“And then you isolated him,” Hermann concluded, his hands clenching into fists. “Until he didn’t have anyone left to help him fight.”

“He was so damaged,” he widened his eyes innocently. “He didn’t even notice a few more voices in his head. We didn’t have to do anything. Your precious Newton self-destructed all on his own. He was practically begging for us to take over.”

“I’ve seen his notes,” Hermann argued, focusing on relaxing his fists. “He took back control and fought, and he will again.”

“He didn’t fight,” Newton sneered, twisting his wrists back and forth. “He gave up. So desperate to save everyone, he thought he could eliminate the threat and save the world.” Newton grinned widely and looked him in the eye. “He slit his wrists.”

Hermann flinched and stood up, unable to remain in the room any longer.

“You should be thanking us!” Newton cackled at his back. “We saved him!”

The door slammed behind him, cutting off the insane laughter and allowing him to catch his breath. Ranger Lambert looked away from the monitor to look at him, so he shoved his shaking hand into his pocket and turned away. Thankfully, the Ranger didn’t call after him when he limped away; he couldn’t stomach talking about what had been revealed.

It was with a great deal of dread that he went back the next day. He couldn’t give up after two days, and they were hoping that Newt would be able to take back control now that he wasn’t Drifting with the brain every day.

“Hey, Herms,” Newton had his head rolled back against the head rest of the chair and had to turn to see him. He grimaced in pain and his hands clenched around the arm rests as his body stiffened and then relaxed.

Hermann faltered slightly before recovering and sitting down. “Newton,” he greeted cautiously, refusing to get his hopes up.

“Always so formal,” Newton gasped, tensing up again. “I missed that.”

“Newt,” Hermann wondered out loud, staring when Newt met his eyes. His heart told him that this wasn’t a trick, but his head warned against trusting him. “What’s happening?”

“Detox,” Newt chuckled roughly. “The Drift is like a drug. Guess I’m a Kaiju Junkie now.” He frowned and squeezed his eyes shut. “They let me feel this, makes me want to Drift, easier to get into my head if I Drift willingly.”

“That’s not an option,” Hermann told him, resisting the urge to reach out. “There’s no more Kaiju to Drift with.”

“I could grow one,” Newt confessed shakily. “They think you’ll take pity on me and let me out if you see how much pain I’m in.” He opened his eyes and gave him a shaky smile. “They don’t know you like I do.”

“Can you tell me anything about them?” Hermann questioned gently, knowing Pentecost would want him to ask.

Newt shook his head. “They’re still there, ready to take over if I try. I can’t.”

“Okay,” Hermann sighed.

They didn’t manage to talk much after that: the Precursors stopped him from even mentioning certain subjects and he struggled to concentrate through the pain. Pentecost was pleased to hear that Newt was speaking but disheartened by the fact that he couldn’t give them any information. Hermann resisted the temptation to tell him that he couldn’t care less about the information and was personally more concerned by the fact that he was in pain.

The pain seemed to have double overnight. Newton was writhing in the chair when he arrived and barely seemed to notice that he’d arrived. Someone had been in and attached him to an IV while Hermann hadn’t been there, but it didn’t look to be having any impact on him.

“Newt,” Hermann nudged his chair closer.

“Herms,” he panted, his eyes unfocused with pain. “Hermann it hurts.”

“I know,” he soothed. “You just have to remember why, Newt, focus on that.”

Newt keened and hit his head against the back of his chair. “Please, please, it hurts.” He opened his eyes and locked eyes with him, suddenly a lot more lucid. “Don’t let me out, don’t let me Drift again,” he begged. “Kill me first.”

“I won’t,” he promised, reaching over and grasping his hand, ignoring the pain when Newt grabbed back and squeezed. “You’re going to get through this.”

“I’m sorry,” Newt sobbed. “I’m so sorry.” He convulsed and his nose started to bleed. “I can’t do this, Hermann, it hurts.”

“You can,” Hermann snapped. “I didn’t argue with the whole of the PPDC to save your life just for you to give up.”

Newt nodded with wide eyes before passing out, his hold on his hand going slack. Heart in his throat, Hermann immediately checked his neck for a pulse, jerking away when Newton lunged up in his chair.

“That was touching,” he sneered. “But we all know he won’t survive this. We’ll destroy him before we let him win.”

“Or maybe he’ll destroy you,” Hermann countered, leaving once it was apparent that Newt wasn’t present. The strain from the detox had most likely caused him to pass out and the Precursors had taken the opportunity to step back in.

Newt was back in control when he came back on day three of his detox.

“I hate you,” he hissed, glaring at him as he sat down.

For a second, Hermann thought that he was wrong and the Precursors were still talking, but his instincts were telling him that it was Newt. He sighed sadly at him; he’d researched the behaviour people went through during a detox, so he wasn’t surprised by Newt’s hostility, but it was still hard to hear.

“This is for your own good, Newt,” he told him easily.

“You’re selfish,” he accused angrily. “You’re putting me through all this pain when you know I’m going to die anyway.”

“You’re not going to die,” Hermann insisted. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Selfish,” Newt repeated, scraping his wrists against the chair. “I don’t want to live like this.”

“It won’t last,” Hermann soothed, concerned by how quickly his anger had turned to depression.

“Kill me,” Newt begged suddenly. “Please, Hermann, kill me.”

Unable to listen to his pleading, he left the room, exchanging a grimace with Ranger Lambert. Since he was still injured, Lambert was most often the one in charge of keeping watch while Hermann was in the room with Newt. The camera feed ran constantly and was saved in case he said something when alone, but Newton had refused to speak to anyone but him, regardless of who was in control at the time.

Hermann wasn’t sure if Newt refused to talk because the Precursors wouldn’t let him, or if he was worried that Hermann wouldn’t come back if he didn’t have to. Either way, the videos were largely uneventful unless he was in the room.

“No no no,” Newt muttered to himself when Hermann came back the next day.

“Newt,” Hermann greeted wearily, wondering what was in store for him.

“Hermann,” Newt blinked at him. “I don’t hate you.”

“I know,” Hermann smiled. “It’s the detox, I knew it would make you irritable.”

“Not just me,” Newt grimaced. “No, stay out.” He shook his head. “I can,” he choked. “Open. Breach.” He gritted out. “Know, where.”

Hermann sat up in alarm as blood began to drip from his nose before his body went slack against the chair. The fact that he’d managed to get that much information out was an improvement, and Hermann was more than happy to lean back with a smug smile when Newton opened his eyes.

“Complete control,” he prodded, laughing at the hiss that got him. “It’s been a week since your last Drift, looks like you’re getting weaker after all.”

“We’ll destroy him,” Newton promised darkly, grinning through the blood. “We’ll rip his mind to shreds and leave you with a husk.”

Hermann ignored him and went to go find Pentecost. There was only one-way Hermann could think of to stop the Precursors from damaging Newt before they lost control all together. It was stupid, and he probably never would have thought of it before, but he found he was a lot more willing to take risks since his Drift with Newt all those years ago.

“Are you kidding me?” Pentecost stared at him. “You want to initiate a Drift with him? With the guy that tried to destroy the world? The one infected with Kaiju?”

“I want to Drift with Newt,” Hermann corrected stubbornly. “The Kaiju’s hold is getting weaker; Newt managed to stay in control against their wishes. I believe I could help him drive them out of his head.”

“What if you’re wrong?” Lambert asked, crossing his arms. “What if they infect you too?”

“Then you still have Shao to help you,” Hermann told them evenly. “I know it’s a risk, but I need to try.”

“Dr Gottlieb,” Pentecost frowned, reminding Hermann so much of his father that he nearly smiled. “This is a terrible idea.”

“Fortune favours the brave,” Hermann said wryly.

“Get the cadets to help,” he ordered. “Take every precaution you can think of. I don’t want to risk you unnecessarily.”

Hermann saluted and hurried off before he could change his mind. The cadets were glad to have a project to work on, even if they thought he was insane. He saw them exchanging glances while they were working and wondered fondly if this was how Newt had felt during the last war.

“Are you sure about this, Dr Gottlieb?” Shao questioned as she checked the final machine over. It had only taken a day to modify the PONS the cadets used to train into something he could use on Newt, but Hermann was anxious to get started.

“Not at all,” he answered honestly. “But I need to do it.”

“They say you Drifted with him,” Cadet Namani spoke up, ignoring Cadet Jinhai as he elbowed her. “During the last war.”

“I did,” Hermann confirmed.

She nodded. “Then I get it. He’s your Drift Partner.”

Hermann offered her a weak smile as Shao declared the machine ready for use. The cadets were forced to wait outside the room but had permission to watch the camera feed during the Drift. Lambert was also delegated back to monitor duty, but both Pentecost and Shao entered the room with him.

Newton laughed when he saw the machine, watching as Hermann settled into his chair and Pentecost tied him down; he’d agreed that it would be best to be tied down in case he was infected by the Drift. Shao placed the PONS headset onto him and then was a little rougher with Newton.

“You should hear him scream,” Newton smirked before flinching as his nose began to bleed. “Don’t, fuck, Herm, don’t.” He shivered and grabbed the arm rests. “Please, not you.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Hermann caught his eye. “We’ll beat them together, share the neural load.”

“Do I really have a choice?” Newt smiled shakily. “Together.”

“Together,” Hermann motioned for Shao to activate the Drift, and then everything went blue.

He’d forgotten how intense the Drift was; unlike last time, he wasn’t trying to watch the memories passively. This time, he grabbed the first memory of Newt’s that he saw and pulled, dropping into their shared lab from the Hong Kong Shatter Dome.

“Hermann,” Newt looked around the familiar lab with a look of wonder on his face. “This was a stupid plan.”

Hermann chocked on a laugh and pulled him into a hug. It was a relief to see Newt looking like himself; here in their shared mind space, he was wearing his more familiar white shirt and skinny tie. Hermann looked down and wasn’t at all surprised to see his old jumper. He was even happy to see Newt’s tattoos and stupid hipster glasses.

“I missed you,” Newt mumbled into his shoulder before stepping back. “I wish we could just stay here where it’s safe.”

“We can make the rest safe too,” Hermann promised. “They don’t belong here.”

“They’re so strong,” Newt lamented, staring at the door with a look of dread.

“We’re stronger,” Hermann gripped his hand.

Together, they threw the door open and stepped out.

It was like walking into a hurricane; voices mixed with screams surrounded them and they were battered by memories of their lowest points. Hermann’s leg ached fiercely as if the break was brand new, while Newt’s wrists split open and began to drip blood onto their grasped hands.

Pushing through the pain, they struggled to replace the memories with happier times. From the corner of his eye, Hermann could see a dark shadow slinking closer, unaffected by the barrage of noise and sensation that was hitting them from all sides.

“This is our mind,” Hermann tugged Newt closer and pressed their foreheads together; Newt reached up so that their hands were in each other’s hair. “Just you and me.”

“No one else,” Newt agreed fiercely. “They can’t have you.”

Hermann was forced to shut his eyes, keeping his hold on Newt, as a light built around them. He could see it even behind his eyelids, piercing through every thought as it burnt out the lingering darkness. A scream echoed around them until there was nothing but a ringing in their ears. For a moment, they were one person with nothing between them.

Hermann gasped as the Drift was cut.

There was someone touching his face and he opened his eyes to see Pentecost. His mouth was moving but Hermann couldn’t hear anything. He felt drained and empty; it was like someone had scooped out half of him and then tried to stuff him back into his body.

“Newt,” he felt the word leave his throat, but he couldn’t hear it.

Pentecost moved to the side so that he could see Newt: he was staring back at Hermann with relief. His nose was bleeding and Hermann noticed more blood coming from his ears; once he’d noticed it on Newt, he realised he could feel it trickling down his face too.

“I can’t hear you,” Hermann said to Pentecost who was still saying something. Pentecost blanched and walked away, probably to get help. Hermann twitched in his restraints, his body calling out for Newt as a headache began at the base of his skull.

Newt winced in sympathy, wiggling his fingers in a small wave. Hermann laughed and copied the gesture, hissing when it felt like he was rubbing sand paper over his wrists. He shot a glance at his arms, but there were no marks to show what was hurting him; he looked back over at Newt who flicked his eyes to his own damaged wrists.

They were distracted when a doctor stepped in front of Hermann holding a small white board. Hermann felt Newt’s frustration at not being able to see him and knew he was feeling Hermann’s own annoyance.

 _Dr Gottlieb,_ the whiteboard read. _How are you feeling?_

“I’m fine,” he rolled his eyes, hoping he was speaking in a normal volume. “It worked.”

Pentecost took the whiteboard off the doctor and wrote his own message out: _We’ll need to test you both to make sure of that._

Hermann opened his mouth to retort when they both spun around to stare at Newt who blinked innocently at them. A sense of amusement came from their link and Hermann prodded at it to find the source.

“Ah,” he got their attention. “Yes, we are currently Ghost Drifting.”

The doctor waved a hand and said something angrily. After a minute of arguing, the group of cadets entered the room and Pentecost opened Newt’s restraints while Shao did the same to Hermann. Without even thinking about it, they both met in the middle of the room, Newt supporting Hermann’s weight away from his bad leg as they sank to the floor.

The headache that had been building in the back of his head immediately quietened down and he shuddered with relief at being able to touch him. They pressed their foreheads together again and sat there breathing through their shared emotions.

 “What are they doing?” Sound began to slowly come back as they sat there; the ringing lessened to a bearable amount and Hermann glanced up to see the cadets looking at them in interest.

Lambert coughed uncomfortably. “They’re velcroing,” he explained. “It happens between people who are very Drift compatible; you’ve all experienced Ghost Drifting, well this is another symptom of that.”

“But we didn’t have that after piloting the Jaegers,” one of the cadets pointed out.

It was too hard to focus on who was talking; the sounds still sounded fuzzy and he was more preoccupied with clinging to Newt. Thankfully, Newt was perfectly happy to cling back; he brushed his hands down Hermann’s cheeks as if he didn’t believe he was real.

“This only affects pilots who’ve had multiple strong Drifts with the same person,” Pentecost told them awkwardly. “It’s perfectly normal, but not something a lot of people like to talk about.”

“I think it’s brilliant,” Newt murmured, letting them know that they could hear them. “It gives me permission to touch Hermann all I want and he can’t complain.”

Hermann rolled his eyes, knowing he was sending out fond amusement. The doctor shuffled over to them and did a few tests before clearing them of everything she could test for without machines. From there, Shao hustled them into her lab where she proceeded to repeat all the tests Hermann had had to go though in order to gain access to Newt. The cadets and Rangers followed them closely, not taking any chances that they were faking it.

Eventually, Shao declared them to be influence free. Pentecost wanted to start questioning Newt straight away, but thankfully the doctor stepped in and sent them to Hermann’s room to recover in peace. There were guards outside the room, but Hermann expected them to be wary around them for a while.

“They’re gone,” Newt whispered reverently once they were curled up in bed.

“Just us,” Hermann smiled.

The scans had clearly shown their Ghost Drift, but Hermann suspected that it wasn’t going to go away like the doctors thought it would. He felt Newt’s agreement as if it was his own: he’d shared his brain with something else for ten years, it made sense that he would subconsciously cling onto the next safe mind. Hermann clung back just as possessively.

**Author's Note:**

> The reference to velcroing come from [this story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/893409) that I really recommend because it's brilliant. 
> 
> Tumblr: [@exhaustedcommonsense](https://exhaustedcommonsense.tumblr.com)


End file.
